Tonight I was cleaning out my old car, getting her ready to get towed away to an auto salvage place. I was telling her what a good car she’d been, and that I was sorry that that although the front of her was pretty banged up, it seemed such a waste that she would be crushed, because most of her was still perfectly good.
My car was my most recent physical teacher. I smashed her up a couple of weeks ago, on my way home at rush hour, after work. The accident was very unremarkable. The person in front of me was cut off by another driver and jammed on her brakes. I rear-ended her. The other driver wasn’t even mad at me, she blamed the driver in front of her. Then she gave me a hug because I was so shaken up. Since when does that happen?
What Was I Supposed to Learn from the Accident?
So why the hell was I in this accident? I wasn’t really going particularly fast, so why was my hood like an accordian, my lights smashed out, the frame irredeemably bent. The weirdest thing was, I wasn’t injured at all, other than being fuzzy-headed for a few days. It was almost creepier that I didn’t suffer any symptoms at all, looking at the damage to my car.
Ever since then I’ve been trying to figure out what that car crash was supposed to mean. What is the lesson I’m supposed to be learning?
I did a journey to help myself understand what this accident was supposed to teach me. I was very eager to learn the lesson, because obviously something was trying to get my attention. Really badly. Badly enough to make me crash my car. I wanted to grasp the lesson, so that I wouldn’t have to receive a “harder lesson” to get it.
In my journey I encountered a giant monkey, about 20 feet tall, with white rings around its eyes, sitting on the crumpled up hood or my car. It screamed “Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!” It was really pissed off at me. I was frightened, but I couldn’t tell what the monkey meant.
I did some research on monkey symbolism and car symbolism, but nothing really stuck. No meanings really gelled for me. I was fortunate enough to have some friends do journeys for me or give guidance. There was information about needing to take appropriate metaphysical “safety precautions”, which turned out to be very timely advice. There was also guidance about needing a new representation of myself in the world, literally a new vehicle to present myself to the world. But I still felt like I wasn’t grasping the deeper part of the lesson. Until tonight.
Tonight I finally figured out why the giant monkey was screaming at me, from the hood of my crashed car.
In the past few weeks since my car accident I had become angrier and angrier. It was so bad by the end of last week, that I was an out of control rage-o-holic. I couldn’t feel gratitude for anything. Not one thing. All I had for the world was anger and hatred. Every new request at work pissed me off. I despised my husband, who despite my wrath, was being very kind. I was supposed to find a new car, and I was totally pissed off about that too.
This endless font of rage started to scare me. Even if I’m in a good mood, I’m can usually still feel grateful about the little things – a sunny day, a nice comment from someone, my kids picking me some dandelions. But I had nothing.
All I had was rage. I could truly find nothing inside but an endless supply of wrath, that I wanted to take out on anyone or anything that made me the slightest bit angry. What was going on with me?
Then I finally did a release exercise that my coach had given me, to indentify the unconscious pattern that was holding me hostage. Once I indentified the pattern, finally the message from the monkey made sense to me.
My soul had crashed and burned. That was the monkey’s message. The “real me” had finally “hit the wall” with my job.
The monkey is the real authentic me. The monkey represents the part of me who’s mission is my survival, even if the conscious part of me isn’t acting in my best interests.
The monkey is the happy, fun, naturally joyous part of me. This monkey part of me, the true “me”, was being killed off. This was the part that kept dying a little bit each time I had to work on a file I hated, deal with a business decision I considered utterly stupid, or spend a lot of my time and mental energy on a completely pointless project. My monkey has been able to come out and play a little bit when I write blog posts, but apparently this is not enough anymore.
The monkey came to warm me that it was worse than I thought. When you take all the joy out of a monkey, it is no longer a fun, playful creature. It is some of the scariest shit you have ever seen. Because without its fun, playful nature, a monkey really is no longer a monkey. By definition it does not really exist anymore. The monkey is gone, and what is left in its place is angry and nasty. That is what I had become – a joyless monkey.
The monkey’s message was that my joy is very close to being snuffed out entirely. The car accident was the quickest and best way to bring this to my attention.
So while I have written about being as authentic to myself as possible before, it turns out I actually have to take my own advice about my job being in alignment with the real “me”. It is no longer an option, it is now a necessity. And it has to happen immediately.
The Pattern – Human Doing not Human Being
The unconscious pattern I had formed, was that I had turned from a human being, into a human doing. I had come to feel that I was being valued only for what I did and what I had, not WHO I was. The deepest part of me was dying, my own desires ignored in the pursuit of money.
The monkey is “me” is fighting for my survival at some level, even if the conscious me hasn’t been. The monkey “me” is really pissed off, and is done with my job, even if I’m not. Sure, I’ve consciously thought about quitting, visualized it happening, searched for other positions, but the monkey was telling me that waiting for this to happen is no longer an option. I have to end my job, and it doesn’t matter if I have a contingency plan or not.
Even though I’m afraid to do this, and have no idea how the practical considerations in my life, like paying the mortgage, will play out in my life, those fears now have to be secondary. They are challenges I am going to have to face, because I think it is far more dangerous than to ignore the important message I was given.
The fact is, I am being held hostage by material demands. The complexity of my current life situation and the money it takes to fuel it, is my creation. The lesson for me to remember is, that I always have choices, even if they aren’t easy choices. I am the creator of my own life, and I don’t have to feel powerless over it.
The monkey, is like the Fool archetype in the tarot deck. Although both archetypes are buffoons on the surface, they speak to our instinctive wisdom. Even if we have absolutely nothing but the shirts on our back, we still have everything we need to make the journey of our lives. We have our intuition, our wisdom and the love of the Divine, just for existing, just for being alive.
We get so caught up in what we are, our jobs, our titles, our roles, in what we have, houses, cars, money, that we don’t remember WHO we are. It behooves us to remember that all can be taken from us in a heartbeat. All it takes is one fire, one earthquake, one flood, and we have nothing. We are not in control of the bigger picture, and when we forget that, we are weakened into being slaves to our stuff, thinking that our stuff is security. Real security is knowing that abundance is all around us, not in our material objects.
When I met my husband twelve years ago, I had nothing, I was starting over. I lived in my Dad’s basement, took the bus to a menial job and only had the clothes on my back. But I did have intuition and dreams. Now I have a house, two cars, and a well-paying job, but I feel more trapped than ever. When all I had was dreams, I also had freedom.
We don’t remember that it is enough to exist, that we can be loved for just being alive in this world. The monkey reminds us that for all our civilized trappings, we are really just creatures, and creatures are nothing without respecting their deepest instincts.
The challenge for me is to remember that having only myself is plenty. With my health, my dreams, and love I have so much already. The Universe is so bountiful, that it is provides along the way, just as it has done for me before.
So I’m taking care of my monkey business. While I’m afraid of how it might turn out, I am more afraid of not doing it.
If you are ready to hear connect with your Higher Wisdom, I can help you make the Connection. Receive your intuitive messages, waiting for you to retrieve them right now! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to book your journey.
Kara Thompson :: Copyright 2010